


A Final Burst of Light

by sky_blue44 (Kisa44)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Community: rs_games, Drama, F/M, Friendship, M/M, Marauders, R/S Games 2013, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-15
Updated: 2013-11-15
Packaged: 2018-01-01 16:51:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,473
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1046233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kisa44/pseuds/sky_blue44
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter spend their final summer at James’ beach house. Time never moved so slowly as it did in Summer 1977. After that summer, time would move so quickly. The War is coming for them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Final Burst of Light

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks so much to my beta, cackling_madly over on LJ. Written for RS-Games 2013, for prompt 48 - "And so with the sunshine and the great bursts of leaves growing on the trees, just as things grow in fast movies, I had that familiar conviction that life was beginning over again with the summer." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby.

_July 1977_

The Potter family – among its other holdings – owned a small beach house. It was on a miniscule island, in the Mediterranean, just off the coast of France. James, of course, knew the old story of how the house came into his family’s possession in the mid-nineteenth century. Ultimately, however, his friends didn’t much care how it came to be a Potter house. What was truly important was that the house, in all its waterfront glory, was where the four boys spent every summer since the one before Fourth Year.

(Incidentally, it would be their last summer there. Remus later noted that he only spent three summers in that home, which, really, in the scheme of things, wasn’t much time at all. Only six months out of his life. However, to four young men about to enter their Seventh Year at Hogwarts, it sure __seemed__ like forever. After that, time would move so quickly for all of them. After that summer, the seasons seemed to pass as quickly as blinking an eye.)

However, as the four of them had come of age, Mr and Mrs Potter had few qualms about letting their son and his friends spend the summer there by themselves. Previously, James’ parents had gone with them; this would be their first summer on their own.

So, after ten days at home, the young Marauders apparated on the road outside of the house, luggage in tow. 

“Well, here we are,” James said, with a wide grin.

“That we are James, that we are,” Sirius said, slapping him on the shoulder. 

Remus suppressed the urge to roll his eyes; each time they arrived at the house, James had the somewhat unfortunate habit of acting like they hadn’t spent the previous two summers there. James considered himself to be their host. Remus knew that _technically_ he was, but he thought that James’ attempts to show off the home were a bit ridiculous. It usually took several days of sniping at James to cut it out to get him to stop.

However, Remus knew that there might be a chance that James wouldn’t be so bad this year. After all, James _had_ matured somewhat.

“Now, if you would allow me to show you to your rooms?” James said, strangely formal. He led the way to the house, Peter hurrying to follow him down the short path to the doorway. He and Sirius moved to follow them. Sirius caught his eye, and raised his eyebrows expressively, as he let out a short sigh.

Remus smiled back. Perhaps Remus had a __slight__ crush on his best friend. It was hardly the only crush he had had on another guy. All his friends knew that he was attracted to men and women (he thought that both Frank and Alice Longbottom were good-looking; they would certainly have some attractive children). It was undeniable that Sirius was good looking. Gender was hardly a barrier for him either. However, Remus knew that Sirius was far too good for him. He was kind, loyal, funny, generous, __incredibly__ good looking, smart…

Okay, so perhaps it wasn’t really __slight.__

At any rate, Remus knew better than to think that he had a chance in hell with Sirius. He forced himself to focus back on the beach house.

The beach house was rather small, especially in comparison with Potter Manor in all its grandeur. It was a two story home, mere meters away from the deep blue water. It had three bedrooms and two bathrooms on the second floor. The master bedroom would go unused that year, as it belonged to the Potter parents. On the ground floor, there was a living room, a kitchen, a dining room, and a parlour. 

They entered the house, and stood in the front hall, before the stairway. James turned to them and said, “Okay, who wants to share a room?”

“I thought we would just keep the same room assignments as we have for the last two summers,” Peter said, moving slightly towards Remus. Peter and Remus had always shared a room at the summer house. Remus didn’t mind it. He did, after all, share a room with the other boy during the school year. However, he didn’t like Peter’s packrat tendencies. Remus was very neat. Peter was not. Remus would only very rarely say anything to Peter about it. He knew that Peter was self-conscious enough. Remus certainly didn’t want to add to it.

James was about halfway through a full nod when Sirius said, “Actually, why don’t we shake things up a bit?” 

Everyone looked sharply at Sirius. This was a strange shift. The weird thing was that James was surprised. James and Sirius sometimes seemed to have one brain. Yet, Remus knew that James was a bit taken aback; his eyebrows were close to his hairline, and his mouth was parted slightly in shock. 

Sirius acted as if he didn’t notice that his friends were shocked. He continued, “I was thinking that Remus and I could share a room.” He draped an arm over Remus’ shoulders, and Remus fought a blush. He felt like he was floating. “James, you and Peter could share a room.” He grinned broadly. 

Peter stared at him, mouth gaping. James, however, seemed to regain his wits. He looked searchingly at Sirius. He seemed to find what he was looking for, as he nodded in response.  
“Okay,” he said slowly, smiling, “Come on, let’s put our stuff away, then.” He led the way upstairs, Remus and Sirius following him closely. It took a moment for Peter to throw off his shock, and he scurried up the stairs behind them.

They split up, going into their respective rooms. Remus put his suitcase on his bed, opened it, took his socks out, turned to the dresser, and began putting them away. After a moment, Sirius came up close next to him and murmured, “I figured that’d be a nice gift for Peter. He __does__ worship James, after all.”

Remus suddenly felt angry; he knew that he shouldn’t. He thought, __Of course, Sirius wouldn’t want to…__

 _ ___He turned from the dresser, mouth set in a frown. Sirius caught his right wrist and said, “… and, well, I do like sharing a room with you. You _ _are__ one of my best friends.”

Remus turned back to him, and Sirius grinned broadly. “That, and James snores. Drives me crazy, he does.” Sirius still held his wrist. It felt like warmth exuded from it and spread through Remus’ entire body.

Remus let out a chuckle, meeting his eyes, “Like a chainsaw.”

They stood like that for a long moment. Sirius drew a circle with his thumb into Remus’ wrist. Then, he slowly let it go, and Remus let his arm drop to his side. He had a slightly lost look in his eye for a moment, which Remus might have missed had he not been looking. However, as quickly as it had appeared, it vanished. 

Sirius smiled at him, and he said, “Come on, let’s finish unpacking. The beach awaits us, Moony.”

Late that night, after the boys had all retired to their beds, Remus’ eyes were the only ones that remained open. He was turned towards Sirius on his side. Sirius’ profile was silhouetted against the bright glow of the moon outside. Remus still felt the aches from the full moon just a few days previous. He had no one during the moons at home, so he always hurt worse after them. He had even kept his shirt on at the beach, so that no one would see the still-healing gashes and the black bruises on his pale flesh. However, from Sirius’ concerned looks, Remus knew that he knew what he was hiding.

Sirius was so beautiful when he slept. He looked both innocent and all-knowing, his face soft in sleep. His black hair was dark and mussed against the white pillowcase. His grey eyes were hidden behind his pale eyelids, with their long lashes. Remus knew that it was a little creepy to watch his best friend sleep. However, he knew that his thoughts would only be considered to be creepier. Remus ached to lie on top of Sirius and kiss his red lips, so pliant in sleep. He wished that he could kiss him, and watch him slowly wake beneath him. Sirius would slowly kiss him back and bring up his arms to wrap around him. After they finished kissing, Remus could fall to the bed next to him and burrow into him under the sheet. He would rest his head on his shoulder, and fall asleep in Sirius’ warm embrace.

However, Remus knew that he simply wasn’t good enough for Sirius. He wouldn’t go so far as to say that he was worthless, or that he had no good qualities. He may have very little raw talent, but he worked really hard. Remus was ranked number one in the class for good reason. He had to work harder than anyone else too, because he would need the highest marks to help people care less about his lycanthropy. He was lucky enough that he would only be barred from a few ministry positions and that few other workspaces would ask after his history. However, he also knew that there was a large lobby within the Ministry that wanted stricter controls over werewolves, and that their success would end his future prospects rapidly. 

Really, if he was honest, Remus knew that the greatest reason that he couldn’t be with Sirius was because he was a werewolf. Sirius didn’t deserve to have to be with someone who turned into a monster once a month; Remus was still awed that anyone was willing to be his friend after learning of his condition.

Remus watched him sleep for a few moments longer before he rolled over, facing away from Sirius. It was no use wishing for things that could never be his. He shut his eyes and willed himself into sleep.

**xXx**

Two mornings later, four Hogwarts owls arrived for the boys, each bearing a letter. The boys took the envelopes from the owls, and the birds waited on the kitchen counter to be sent back across the sea. They went back to the kitchen table to finish eating their cereal.

“I wonder who this could be,” Sirius looked at the letter, a slightly bemused smile on his face. 

Professor Dumbledore, in an attempt to end hostility between pure-blood and Muggle-born students, had put in place a new pen pal program. Each student would be randomly assigned a fellow returning student from Hogwarts, Beauxbatons, or Durmstrang. The students had to each receive a letter from the other before they could stop communication. The identity of the pen pals would be revealed at the Welcoming Feast at the start of school.

James tore open his envelope and began to read:

_Dear Pen Pal,_

_I hope that your summer vacation has been going well so far. As we know nothing about each other, I’ll just write a bit about myself, with the hope that very little of the information will be blocked out in an attempt to hide our true identities until our first days of school._

_I’m a Muggleborn student at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. I am quite excited for next semester, as I do get so bored during the summer, as I live in a dull suburb with my parents and older sister. My parents are quite accepting of my magical gift (perhaps “charmed with” would be a better term!). My sister is a lot less happy with it. At any rate, I will not remain too lonely as my friends and I have promised to visit each other often this summer. I really have a lot of fun with them, so I’m really looking forward to it. I get on with people from all four houses. Well, generally, anyway. Slytherin is kind of hard right now._

_At any rate, enough about other people, I’m supposed to be writing about myself. Well, my best subject is charms. My favourite professors are probably McGonagall, followed by Flitwick. They’ve really both helped me with a lot of things. My least favourite is probably Slughorn. Although I’m very good at potions and I’m one of his favourites, I detest the way he plays favourites. It just doesn’t seem very fair to me. In my spare time, I really enjoy reading, writing, and sewing. I’m a fair hand at tennis, and I do love a good game of chess (both Wizarding and Muggle). My favourite Muggle bands are The Eagles and The Ramones. My favourite Wizarding band is The Fantastic Fliers . I also really love Monroe Davies, the singer. I really enjoy Tolkien, Fitzgerald, and Hugo, as far as authors go._

_That ought to give you a good introduction to me. I hope to hear back from you soon! We can talk about whatever you like._

_Your pen pal,_

_Flower_

“Well, that’s good then,” Sirius laughed. “My pen pal just wrote, ‘Let’s not bother doing this stupid thing.’ I think I can agree to that. I’ll write back, ‘Okay, sounds bloody brilliant.’” He wrote down the sentence hurriedly on the back of the letter, went back over to his owl, attached the missive to his owl’s leg, and sent the animal on its way. Sirius returned to the table. 

“Who does everyone else have?” he smiled. “Anyone luck out like I did?”

“I got a letter from a very nice girl,” said Peter, blushing slightly. 

“Aw, is little Peter in love?” Sirius cooed jokingly. “You’ve never met her. She could be some hulking brute from Durmstrang!”

Peter looked down at his plate. “She’s from Hogwarts,” he murmured.

“I got a nice letter from some bloke at Beauxbatons. Well, it’s all in French,” Remus said. “My French is rather poor, but he seems interesting.”

Sirius looked at Remus for a long moment, before turning to James. “What about you, James?” 

“I got a letter from a cool girl at Hogwarts. I figure it won’t be too much of a pain to write some letters to her,” James said. At Sirius’ questioning look, he said, “She likes The Ramones.”

Sirius nodded, seeming to accept that answer. James was already thinking about how to reply.

**xXx**

_Dear Flower,_

_I hope your summer has been going well too! Right now I arrived at my family’s summer beach house at [redacted]. I’m also a student at Hogwarts, which I guess is pretty lucky if we end up liking each other. Maybe we could even be friends._

_I’m also pretty excited for the new semester, but I really love staying where I am right now. I’ve spent every summer here since I was three, but this is the first time that my parents have stayed home. My Dad is an Auror, so he’s busy dealing with the Voldemort issue. I do worry about him sometimes, but he’s very careful, and good at his job, so he’ll be fine. My Mum, by the way, works for the Ministry too, in the Department of Foreign Affairs. I came here with a few of my friends. I love swimming and playing around the island. I really do love it here, so I’m always a bit sad when I have to go home in August. I don’t have any siblings, but my best friends and I are like brothers._

_Well, my favourite subjects are Defence and Transfiguration. I’ll need them too, since I want to be an Auror. I guess my favourite prof is McGonagall; she’s strict, but even I have to say that she’s usually fair. My least favourite is probably History of Magic and Binns. It’s all so useless and boring! At least I usually get a good nap in during his lectures. My life pretty much revolves around Quidditch. I really love it. However, I also enjoy football, even though I think it’s awfully slow to watch at times. I probably prefer playing sports to watching them._

_I’m not really too into Music, but I do love a good book. I enjoy Tolkien, but only to see what he says about magic. Have you read any Hemingway? I like him and Fitzgerald a lot, although I probably prefer Hemingway. I also really loved _The Outsiders,_ by S.E. Hinton. Have you read that?_

_I hope to hear from you soon!_

_Your Pen Pal,_

_Prongs_

**xXx**

It seemed that big news was brought by owl that summer. They were so isolated on the island, it sometimes felt like the darkness that was slowly creeping into their world was held far away by the bright Mediterranean sun and the cool waves crashing upon the shore. Owls, however, could still reach them, with sombre reports of attacks written up in the Daily Prophet (although it hardly seemed real) and letters from their pen pals and home.

The next owl came a few days later, just after the sun had set. James, Peter, Remus, and Sirius sat in the living room playing a game of cards when the owl swooped in through an open window with the evening breeze. 

It dropped a letter, which had Sirius’ name printed on it with pitch black ink. Sirius took it, and quickly read it as the other boys took their turns. His face fell as he read it, and he grew paler than Remus had ever seen him. He folded it back up, and carefully slid it back into its envelope. He smiled weakly at his friends, and placed his cards on the table. “Sorry, mates, I’m rather tired. I think I’m going to head to bed.” Before anyone could so much as say a word, Sirius was halfway up the stairs, the letter crumpled in his hand.

The remaining trio looked at each other. “Remus, go after him,” James said.

Remus looked at James, surprised. “Shouldn’t you go after him? You two practically share a brain.”

James looked at Remus for a long moment, trying to judge just how stupid his friend really was. “You’re better at the whole emotional crisis thing, Remus. Go.”

Remus sighed, and got up from the table. “Good luck, Remus,” Peter said. Remus nodded at him, and went upstairs. 

When he entered the room, he heard a glass shatter against the wall. Sirius certainly was in a state. Luckily, Remus had come up before he could decimate the room. Sirius stood across the room from the shattered remains of the glass. His black hair was messy around his face, and his grey eyes had a crazed look in them. His cheeks were flushed in anger and every muscle was tensed. 

“You better not touch anything on my side, or there’ll be hell to pay, Sirius,” Remus said, watching Sirius carefully. He kept his voice level.

“I know,” Sirius grunted, picking up another glass from his bedside table. He threw it, sending it down the same path as its brother. Remus took out his wand, gently placing it down on the floor.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Remus said. 

Sirius sat down on his bed, fists clenched. His knuckles were white. “It’s not like you’ll leave until we do. You can read it.”

The letter was crumpled up on Sirius’s bed. Remus picked it up, and began to read:

_Dear Sirius,_

_This letter is written to inform you that you have been officially disowned by the Black Family. You have been removed from the family tree. Although we have no control over the individual wills of the Black Family, you should assume that you will receive nothing from the Black Family in the future. Although you are allowed to continue to use the Black name as a surname, you will not receive any other benefits associated with the Black name._

_As a final note, you may achieve reinstatement as a Black family member if you denounce all problematic allegiances, vows, ties, and actions in which you have partaken._

_Sincerely,  
Orion Arcturus Black_

Remus looked up from the letter and said, “Why didn’t you tell us that this was going to happen?”

Sirius laughed, if you could call it that. It was more of a bark than anything. “I don’t know. I didn’t think they would actually do it.” He flopped back on the bed, shielding his eyes with his forearm. “I mean, I _knew_ that they were going to. I just thought that it would be like every time I did something they didn’t like. They would just ignore it – me – and praise Regulus.”

Remus sat down on the bed and Sirius continued, “We had a big blow out before I left for the summer. Mother and Father didn’t want me to come. Mother wanted to try to set up a match for me. She’s trying to _save_ me somehow. I guess that she thinks if she can’t appeal to my ‘good sense,’ then she can try to convince me by making my dick happy, using a pretty girl. 

“Mother and Father sat me down in the living room, all formal and important. I knew that Regulus and Kreacher were listening at the door. Waiting for the blow out. They didn’t have to wait long.

“Mother explained why she wanted me to stay home, as Father sat in his armchair, drinking his whisky. It was like a scene from when I was a child, Remus, downright nostalgic. 

“I told them no, and, well, that was when shit hit the fan. Mother started _screaming._ You’ve never heard my mother yell, Remus, but, _God,_ it can make ears bleed. Anyway, she started on about how I was disgracing the family name, hanging out with a bunch of ‘Mudblood and blood-traitors,’ and that I was going to get ‘caught up in the wrong crowd.’

“She then told me that I had to stop acting like a child, and start acting like the Black heir. I needed to protect the family, have children, and protect the purity of the Wizarding world. I knew that she liked Voldemort, but she sounded like she would actually fight alongside him.

“I told her that I honestly couldn’t be arsed about what she wanted. It was at that moment that Father finished his drink. He said, ‘Well, we can make it so that you care, Sirius.’

“I told him that I doubted it, and that was when he cast the Cruciatus on me, Remus.”

Remus fell back on Sirius’ bed, and Sirius moved his arm away from his eyes so that he could look at him. “He never did that before Remus.” 

Remus looked unflinchingly into Sirius’ grey eyes; he knew Sirius didn’t want _pity._ “I know.”

Sirius took a shuddering breath, “Well, that was it, I guess, for me. I couldn’t stay there anymore. So, I ran upstairs and grabbed my trunk. I hadn’t even unpacked yet.

“I ran downstairs, letting the trunk thud behind me like I was never allowed to, because it made too much _noise._ It felt so good. I was finally escaping. I walked through the front hall, and I saw Regulus standing in a doorway. He was as pale as a sheet. I barely acknowledged him. Father said, from the other end of the hallway, ‘If you walk out that door, Sirius Orion Black, you cannot come back.’ In answer, I opened the door and stepped outside.

“Well, after that, I decided to go stay at the Leaky Cauldron until it was time to meet up with you guys to come here. I went to Gringotts and transferred as much of my money as possible into another account, so my parents couldn’t touch it.

“I knew that this letter was coming, but _dammit,_ I guess I didn’t think that it would?” Tears filled Sirius’ eyes. “Can you believe that I still let them disappoint me? I mean, Merlin, I tried _everything_ to get them to love me, and th-they won’t… they just _w-won’t,_ Remus.” Sirius began to sob.

Remus, without thinking, gathered Sirius into his arms and stroked his back as he cried, gently shushing him. “I know, Sirius,” Remus said. 

It took several minutes for Sirius to calm down enough that his chest no longer heaved and shuddered with each breath. 

Remus asked, when Sirius had finally calmed enough to speak, “Why didn’t you come to one of us? You know we would have helped you.”

Sirius realized his position against Remus and blushed lightly. Remus was a bit surprised to see it; Sirius seemed incapable of blushing. Sirius backed away hesitantly, landing on his back next to Remus. He looked up at the ceiling. He let out a shuttering sigh; he still fought the urge to cry. “I don’t know,” Sirius answered, smiling shakily. “I didn’t want to bother anyone. I was seeing you all in two weeks anyway, so…”

“Sirius, you should have called on one of us,” Remus said. “Peter practically worships you; I think he would probably kill to get you to stay over. The Potters love you. And I-.” Remus cleared his throat, fighting the shakiness in his voice. “You _know_ I would want you to stay with me, if you wanted to. You wouldn’t be a _bother,_ Sirius.”

“Yes, yes,” Sirius said, brushing off the words. He looked away from Remus’ earnest eyes.

“Really, Sirius,” Remus said, nudging Sirius with his elbow.

“Ouch!” Sirius said, trying to change the subject. “Such bony elbows!”

“Liar!” Remus called, playing along. 

“Really,” Sirius said. “You need to eat more.”

Remus sighed, and changed the subject, “Is there anything I can do?”

Sirius was silent for a long moment. “Let me tell the others tomorrow,” he started. “I can’t do it tonight.”

Remus nodded, understanding. James’ reaction would certainly be interesting in the morning.

“I think I’m going to stay up here and be Padfoot for a while,” Sirius said. “I-I can’t go down there right now.”

“Okay,” Remus said. “I’ll stay up here and read too, I think.”

“You don’t have to,” Sirius said. “I won’t destroy the room anymore.” 

Remus sat up and looked back at Sirius over his shoulder. “I know you won’t,” he smiled. “I want to stay with you though.” 

“… Okay,” Sirius said, fighting back a blush. 

Remus stood, not noticing. He stretched out his back and said “I just want to let the others know you’re okay. They were worried.”

Sirius hummed in reply. When Remus returned, Sirius was curled up on Remus’ bed as a pile of black fur. He looked up when Remus entered the room, and barked in greeting. Remus smiled, and sat on his bed. He pushed his pillows up against his headboard so that he could recline against them as he read. Remus grabbed his required text for Defence the Dark Arts for the fall and lay down on the bed. Sirius moved so that his head would be in Remus’ lap. Remus opened his book to his bookmarked place, and began reading, holding it in his left hand. He instinctively ran his right hand through Sirius’ thick black fur, gently massaging his head. Sirius closed his eyes, and slowly relaxed.

There would be plenty of time to deal with the world in the morning.

**xXx**

_Dear Flower,_

_It’s really great to hear from you again! I am sorry to hear that things have been boring for you at home! At least your friends came to visit and you had a good time in Muggle London. What did you do there? I very rarely have a chance to go there, as I spend the majority of my summers at the Summer Home. My family lives out in the countryside, in the North Country, so I very rarely venture into London, even when I am closer. Perhaps if we get on once we meet in person, you could show me around there!_

_Life at the beach has been fairly quiet, actually. Really, the only disruptions so far have come from home. We got news that my best friend has been officially disowned by his family for being a so-called “blood traitor.” Honestly, I saw it coming, so I was able to ask my parents if we could help Pads out before he even got the letter. He didn’t take it too well, but my other friend, Moony, was able to calm him down. There’s something between the two of them, of a romantic nature. I’m not sure what to think of it. I just hope that they figure themselves out okay. (Normally, I wouldn’t talk about this stuff, but it will probably be known by the time we get back to school anyway. Particularly the disowning.)_

_I hope to hear back from you soon!_

_Prongs_

**xXx**

Remus really did enjoy his time at the beach house. Usually, it was a nice, relaxing time, away from the hustle and bustle of Hogwarts and home. Such rest was sometimes hard for him to achieve, as he was always working so hard. The sun, the sand, and the water were a great respite from it all.

There were also some _other_ advantages to being at the beach house.

He could think of one in particular as he watched Sirius walk out of the water in only a pair of dark blue swim trunks. Remus swallowed as Sirius approached, shifting on his beach towel.

Sirius collapsed next to him on his own towel, breathing heavily. Remus watched the water travel down Sirius’ chest and pool on his stomach. Remus’ mind flashed to what Sirius might look like under or above him with his chest heaving…

 _Stop Remus!_ He thought. _He’s your best friend, and he doesn’t think about you in that way. Stop being such a pervert!_

 __“James really _is_ too good of a swimmer for me to race,” Sirius said, smiling. “I always lose.”

Remus forced his gaze away from the little wrinkles around Sirius’ smiling grey eyes to watch James trying to pull Peter further into the water. Peter shook his head, and James splashed him in retaliation. It quickly devolved into a splash fight between the two boys.

“Hmm,” Remus said. “Maybe you should remember that. You _do_ try to beat him every day.”

“Yeah,” Sirius laughed. A few minutes passed, and Sirius turned on his side, and said, “Remus, do you think James is in love with this Flower girl he’s writing?”

“I don’t know, Sirius,” Remus replied. “Maybe?”

Sirius hummed in reply. “May be I’ll tease him to get an answer?”

Remus sighed, knowing that Sirius would ultimately do whatever he wanted in the end. “You could do that,” Remus replied.

“Maybe I will then,” Sirius said. Remus looked at Sirius. Sirius had put on his sunglasses, but Remus still was mesmerized by his bright, wide grin. Remus blushed, and fell back onto his towel.

 _Fuck,_ he thought. _This whole easy shirtless business is just not fair._

**xXx**

A few days later, James received yet another letter from his pen pal. He went to get it, and once again came back with a dopy grin on his face. When James sat back down at the table, Sirius quickly snatched the envelope from his hand.

“ _Another_ letter from your mysterious pen pal, James?” Sirius said. “What are you, in love with the girl?”

James scowled, “Give it back, Sirius.”

“No, really, mate,” Sirius said, brandishing it about. “All of us have stopped. Mine never really started. Peter and his girl only wrote a few letters. She probably got bored. Even Remus and his French boy stopped.”

Remus noticed Peter flinch at the veiled insult. They had stopped writing though. Remus also knew that Sirius wasn’t exactly right about him and his pen pal, Étoile. They still wrote. They were just friends, but Étoile gave him perspective on certain matters. He remembered what he had told him in a letter about what he should do about his crush on Sirius:

_You should just tell him, Romulus. From the sound of it, I wouldn’t be surprised if he loves you too. That’s how I got my own, petit ami, I’ll have you know. If he loves you, then you’ll be ecstatically happy. If not, you can come lick your wounds with me, mon cher._

It _was_ a comforting thought. At any rate, he stopped getting his letters from Étoile at the breakfast table because he knew that Sirius might tease him too. Sirius also didn’t seem to like the fact that he was writing Étoile all the time either. Remus wasn’t too sure why though.

“Come on, Sirius,” James said. “Give it back.”

“What is it? A love letter?” Sirius teased. “I thought you loved Evans.”

James sighed, “It isn’t, okay, Sirius. Could I just have it back?”

Sirius seemed to read something in James’ face, and he handed it back. 

“And I do still like Lily, Sirius,” James said. “I just, well, I get on with this girl so _well,_ Sirius. If I meet her and we click, well, I might ask her out.”

There was silence for a long moment. Peter looked dumbfounded. Remus looked sharply at James. Ever since the Hogwarts Express, James had been almost obsessed with Lily Evans. It was like love at first sight. James had had a ridiculous infatuation with Lily since before Remus even looked at Sirius the way he did, and Remus had liked Sirius since second year.

Sirius finally broke the silence. “What about Evans?” 

James shrugged, “Sometimes, you just have to surrender to the fact that someone just doesn’t return your feelings and let it go.”

Remus tried not to think that maybe, just maybe, he needed to do that too.

**xXx**

When Remus regained consciousness the morning after the full moon, every muscle in his body was on fire. It was a normal feeling after a full moon. Being forcefully turned into a wolf every month was a far more painful experience than willingly shifting into an animagus form.

He could see the bright sunlight through his eyelids. He groaned as he opened them, the sun searing his eyes and making them water. 

“You’re awake,” Sirius said. He sat by Remus’ bedside. He looked tired, with large black circles under his eyes and messy hair. Remus knew that he must look even worse. 

Remus briefly wondered what Sirius had been doing all this time; he had nothing in his hands. He couldn’t have been just watching Remus sleep…

“How are you feeling?” Sirius asked. 

Remus sat up, trying to hide a wince as his left side cried out in protest. It didn’t look like he hid it well enough, from the look on Sirius’ face. “I’m feeling like I turned into a werewolf last night,” Remus quipped. 

Sirius looked like he was about to say something, when James appeared in the doorway. “Oh, you’re awake,” James said. 

“What time is it?” Remus asked. 

“3 pm,” James said. “Would you like something to eat?”

Remus nodded and James vanished from the doorway.

“Are your ribs still hurting you?” Sirius said. “We managed to seal up most of the gashes, but you might have cracked a rib.”

“Did you sleep last night?” Remus replied. “You look like shit.”

Sirius looked at Remus stubbornly. “I asked first,” he said. 

Remus sighed, “It’s sore, is all.” 

Sirius’ brow furrowed. “Let me see,” he commanded imperiously. 

_You can take the Black out of the house…_ Remus thought, bemused. 

He unbuttoned his sleep shirt; someone must have put him in his pyjamas, revealing a swath of white bandages. 

Sirius pulled his chair even closer to Remus’ bed. He unhooked the clamp holding the bandages, and began to unwind them from Remus’ body. Remus tried to ignore how Sirius’ body came so close to him as he did so, and how he nearly embraced him as he reached around to follow the bandages to his right side. 

When the bandages were gone, Remus felt strangely vulnerable in front of Sirius. Although he had seen him like this many times, Remus always felt strange when Sirius looked at him like this. 

Sirius was amazingly gentle as he touched a red mark on Remus’ left shoulder. Remus unconsciously leaned into Sirius’ hand; it was so warm. Remus wanted to stay like this forever, with Sirius’ burning hand simmering on his body.

“This’ll scar,” Sirius murmured.

“Yeah?” Remus whispered. He was breathless. 

Sirius looked up from the mark and met Remus’ eyes. Remus was paralyzed, frozen by Sirius’ heat. He saw Sirius swallow, and begin to come even closer. Sirius’ lips were so _pink…_

__“Am I interrupting something?” James said, eyebrow raised. Sirius jumped away from him as if scalded. Remus jumped too, rib aching as he did so.

“N-no!” Sirius stuttered over the word. Remus wasn’t sure if he’d _ever_ heard Sirius stutter before. Blacks _were_ taught never to appear fazed at a very young age. Sirius was usually a master. Sirius blushed, before clearing his throat. “I mean, no.” He began to walk awkwardly backwards before saying, “I… I have to go use the restroom. James, Remus’ rib is bothering him!” Then, he all but _ran_ from the room.

“What was all _that_ about?” Remus asked James. “I’ve never seen him like that before.” He shifted in his seat, trying to hide his hard-on.

James sighed, “He likes you.”

“Well, yeah, we’re friends,” Remus said, blinking.

James groaned, setting the tray down. He collapsed in the chair, and scrubbed a hand over his face. He looked like he wanted to be anywhere but there.

“No, I mean in a… er, a sexual way,” James said. He looked up at Remus pleadingly, “Don’t make me elaborate.”

“No, he doesn’t,” Remus said. It couldn’t be true. Remus never got what he wanted. Especially, not the only person he ever wanted like this.

James looked at Remus; he could tell that Remus really thought that Sirius liked him as a friend, and nothing more. Even after _that scene._

James sighed, “What’s this about your rib?”

_August 1977_

“No, no, no,” Peter said, shaking his head. “I am _not_ doing it.”

“Aw, come on, Peter!” James said, hands on his hips. He was already in just his swim trunks. “It’s a _lot_ of fun. You’re missing out!”

“No, I’m not doing it!” Peter said.

Every year, the four Marauders went cliff diving. The cliff in question was a three hour long hike away from the house, but, according to three of the Marauders, was well worth the walk. However, every year, Peter refused to go over. He was scared of heights. He felt sick just looking over at the sea below him; he couldn’t imagine actually _jumping_. 

“Don’t be such a wimp, Peter,” Sirius said. “I have no idea how you’re even a Gryffindor, cowardly as you are!”

Remus saw Peter wince. “Sirius,” he said, giving him a sharp look. Their eyes met, and they seemed to have a battle of wills, before Sirius looked away, blushing. Peter didn’t understand them at all.

Sirius dropped it though. He stripped off his shirt, throwing it at Peter’s head. Peter caught it, scowling. He walked to the edge of the cliff, turned and grinned at them, before leaping off the cliff, doing a somersault in the air before gracefully diving into the water.

“You’re missing out Peter,” James said with a grin before running to the edge of the cliff and leaping off.

Remus sighed, a fond smile playing on his face. “Meet us at the beach, all right?” he said, smiling at Peter. Peter nodded, and Remus stripped off his shirt. 

Remus probably shouldn’t be swimming; he was still covered in angry red marks from the Full Moon a few days previous. The sea water would sting awfully. Peter tried not to look at his scars. He liked Remus all right, but the fact that he turned into a monster once a month still freaked him out. He would never admit it, but Remus scared him. 

“Do you mind?” Remus said, holding out his shirt to Peter. Peter shook his head, and took the shirt. 

Remus looked like he wanted to say something, but he shook his head. He whooped, and dove off the cliff and into the water.

Peter walked down the hill, hands full of their discarded shirts and sandals. He listened to their laughter in the water grow further and further away. He entered the forest, walking on the rough terrain with a deftness that only many nights in the Forbidden Forest could achieve. He was lost in thought as he walked.

Peter hated how Sirius picked on him and how James always pressured him to do things. He knew that it was all good-natured, that they didn’t mean anything by it. Nothing kept him from resenting it a little bit.

However, Peter sometimes hated Remus. Remus, who always seemed to pity him. Or, worse, he always acted like he understood Peter.

Like that was possible. Remus was braver than any of them. Remus was truly a Gryffindor to the core, unlike Peter. Peter never told anyone this, but he was nearly put in Slytherin. Well, before he begged the Sorting Hat to put him in Gryffindor. He knew that he would be eaten alive in the Snake’s Den. 

Perhaps, even then, he had known that he was a rat. 

What a disappointment that had been. Before he took the potion and performed the spells necessary to gain an Animagus form, he had dreamed that he would turn into something _awesome._ Maybe he wasn’t usually great, but if he could just turn into something awesome, maybe that would give him a little hope for the future.

Then, when he cast the final spell, he shrank, and turned into a small brown rat. He didn’t even _look_ cool. The only thing that could make the situation worse was if he had been bright yellow. 

When he had turned back into a boy, the others told him how _useful_ he would be when they pulled pranks, and how he could press the knot on the Whomping Willow. 

He didn’t want to be _useful;_ he wanted to be _amazing._

 __But, no, he was a _rat._ A bloody _rat._ He was worthless, really. He was a scavenger, a parasite, eating the leftovers of what his friends left behind.

Peter felt that he needed to prove that he was worthy of hanging out with his friends, because, honestly, he didn’t feel like he was. James was so brave, smart, and just _naturally good._ Sirius was funny, clever, and outgoing. Remus was thoughtful, kind, and worked so hard. Peter wasn’t blind to their faults. James was arrogant. Sirius could be unbearably cruel. Remus was, well, _a werewolf._

None of those flaws were as great or as numerous as his felt. He was cowardly, weak, stupid, small… He always failed at everything. 

He couldn’t even jump off a fucking cliff. He needed to prove himself.

As he walked out onto the sand of the beach to wait for his friends, his mind began to formulate a plan.

 _I’ll prove to them that Peter Pettigrew is just as good as they are._ Peter thought. _I am no coward._

**xXx**

That night, the back door slammed loudly. Remus’ eyes flew open. He stood and looked outside to see Peter walking out, his mouth pressed into a firm line. Remus’ eyebrows flew up.

Sirius came up behind Remus, pressing close. “Remus,” he murmured, his voice sleep-laden. “What are you doin’? His breath was warm against his ear. 

Remus fought a shiver that threatened to overtake his whole body. Sirius was so warm behind him.

“Peter just left the house,” Remus said, turning around. Sirius noticed the closeness of their bodies and blushed as he took a step back. Remus tried not to miss Sirius being so close to him.

“Really?” Sirius said. “I wonder why.”

“Maybe he said something to James,” Remus said. “We should go ask him.”

“He might just be taking a walk to clear his head,” Sirius said. “I’m sure he’s fine.” Remus looked at him sharply. Sirius put up his hands in surrender. “Fine, fine,” he said. “But you can wake up James. I swear, the way he acts when you try to wake him up, he should have been a bear instead of a stag.”

Remus rolled his eyes, and led Sirius into the other bedroom. “James,” Remus said. “Wake up.”

James didn’t even stir. 

“James!” Remus yelled. 

James groaned into his pillow, but, otherwise, did not budge.

“You’re too nice, Remus,” Sirius said, taking James’ wand from his bedside table. “ _Levicorpus,”_ he cast at James.

James screamed as he was pulled out of his covers and into the air over his bed. “ _Sirius Orion Black!_ ” he screeched, squirming in the air. “ _Let me down now!”_

“Merlin, James,” Sirius said, with a grin. “Have I ever told you how much you sound like my mother?”

“ _Yes,”_ James shouted. “I still don’t appreciate it!”

“Noted,” Sirius said nodding at Remus. 

“ _Fantastic,_ ” James said. “Now, _let me down._ ”

“Yes, yes,” Sirius said. “ _Liberacorpus._ ”

James fell into a heap onto his bed. He groaned pitifully, and Remus felt a shot of sympathy for him.

“Now, why the _bleeding fuck_ are you waking me up at - “ James checked his watch. “ - 3 am? There’s at least seven more hours until breakfast. Although, with this treatment, I might just not wake up until after lunch. Perhaps not until supper. I’m sure Peter would agree with… huh.” 

James realized that Peter was not blearily looking at Remus and Sirius from his bed. “Where’s Peter?” he asked. 

“Remus saw him leaving the house,” Sirius said. “We wanted to see if he told you where he was going.”

James shrugged, “If he did, I slept through it.” Sirius nodded, and was about to reply when Remus saw a note on Peter’s pillow. 

“He left a note,” Remus said, grabbing it. He read it, and grew pale. 

_Meet me at the cliff at 4AM._

“Shit,” Sirius said, after seeing the note. 

Remus was already slipping on his sandals. 

The remaining three Marauders ran out of the house, still in their pyjamas. Remus noted the clouds overhead. The forecast had said that there was to be a storm that night; the water was going to be really rough. Peter, certainly, was not a strong enough swimmer. Perhaps even he or James wouldn’t be able to swim in this.

“We won’t beat him there,” Remus said. “We need to hurry, and keep him from doing anything stupid.”

“Well, maybe if James had gotten up faster,” Sirius grumbled, trying to lighten the mood. 

It didn’t work. 

“Maybe if you didn’t make so much fun of him, he wouldn’t be doing this,” James growled. 

Sirius’ eyes widened, then narrowed. “Like you’re any better _James,_ always pressuring him.”

James was about to retort when Remus said, “Both of you shut up.” 

They both fell silent, watching Remus’ tense back. Remus was angry; both of them knew better than to go against his word when he was like this. The three boys were silent as they ran up the hill. The only noises in the forest were their panting breaths, the thuds of their footsteps, and the crack of sticks under their feet. 

They emerged from the forest to see Peter standing at the edge of the cliff, looking down at the churning water below. With the incoming storm, it was a lot rougher than it had been that afternoon. 

“Peter!” James shouted. “Come back to the house!”

“If you want to go so badly, we can come back tomorrow,” Sirius said. “It’s a lot nicer when it’s sunny, I promise. Now, let’s go back to bed.”

“No!” Peter said. “I’m jumping.”

“Peter,” Remus said softly. “You don’t have to prove anything to us. Just come back home.”

“No!” he shouted. “I can do this!” 

He turned back to the cliff, and Remus stepped forward, “This is too dangerous, Peter.” The wind was picking up. 

Peter turned back to him, and said, “Stop babying me, Remus! I am just as good as you!” He walked backwards to the edge.

“I never said-,” Remus began. However, it was at that moment that Peter reached the end of the land. He didn’t notice, and took another step, sliding off the cliff. He let out an aborted scream. Remus grabbed his hand at the last possible moment, keeping him from falling to the churning waters below. 

“Sirius!” he shouted. “James! I can’t hold him for long!” With their help, he was able to heft the shaking Peter back up onto the grass. They stood there for a long moment, panting with fear and exertion. 

Peter shouted at Remus, “Why didn’t you just let me go? I wanted to jump! I could have swam! You’re always getting in my way!” 

“Peter,” James said. 

Remus stepped forward and slapped Peter across the face. “Show some gratitude,” he said sharply. “We saved your life. You couldn’t have swam in that.”

Remus walked to the edge of the forest alone, leaving his friends behind.

“Monster!” Peter shouted after him. Remus froze. James grew pale.

Sirius’ face darkened, and he moved to go hit Peter. He was stopped though by Remus’ words. “Don’t even bother, Sirius. He isn’t worth it.” Remus paused for a moment, drawing himself up. He turned. His amber eyes were strangely wild. He looked _dangerous._

Peter froze. If he had been scared of Remus before, that feeling was _nothing_ compared to how he felt now. 

Remus looked at Peter’s expression and sighed, turning back to the forest. He tried to ignore the bile that rose in his throat, and the small part of him that wished that he had let Sirius hit Peter.

_November 3, 1981_

Before they left the beach house that summer, Peter apologized to everyone, especially Remus.

After James and Lily’s funeral, Remus returned home in his black suit. He lived in a small apartment; he had been gone for so long that the air was stale. He couldn’t even be _angry_ that James and Lily hadn’t thought to make him Secret Keeper. Remus had been away, doing work for Dumbledore. Sirius _was_ like James’ brother; James had had no reason to think…

Remus fell back on his bed and covered his eyes with his arm. He could hardly believe that Sirius had done that. For some strange reason his mind kept flashing back to that night on the cliff when he had pulled Peter up, Sirius and James helping him from behind.

_Peter._

Peter’s frightened face haunted him now. How had he looked when Sirius turned on him in the street before he had been blown up? Had it been like that?

Remus couldn’t see Sirius’ face. He had never thought it was possible for Sirius to be the spy, to be Voldemort’s right hand man. What had changed? If he had been around, could he have stopped this, all of this?

Remus didn’t know. Wasn’t that the problem, that Remus didn’t know _anything?_

Yes, that summer was certainly the beginning of the end, although Remus hadn’t seen it at the time. It was the end of their youth, and it marked the first time the war had touched them, with the attack on Diagon Alley.

Remus stood and walked to the fridge, grabbing a bottle of whiskey. He took a swig; it burned as it went down. Remus was grateful for it. He needed to be drunk.

 _Love,_ he thought. _It doesn’t help anyone, in the end._

He took another large gulp, as he remembered his first real fight, at the end of that last summer. The four of them had split up right before the attack on Diagon Alley: Peter towards the ice cream shop, James to Flourish and Blotts, and Sirius and Remus towards the Apothecary. 

They had split up for the first time of many. Apart, it seemed, they always fell.

_August 21, 1977_

“Oh, it’s _you,”_ a woman’s voice said from behind James.

He turned and saw Lily Evans behind him. As always, he thought that she was absolutely _beautiful._ Her red hair flowed down her back in loose waves, and she moved with an effortless grace. She was wearing Muggle Clothes; a pair of shorts and a tee-shirt, but it honestly made no difference to him. She could be wearing a ball gown, and it would be just as stunning. He loved her green eyes the most. He knew their exact shade from memory. 

Currently, her eyes were narrowed at him. He plastered on a cocky smirk as he adopted a swagger that he had not had naturally for two years. He did like Lily; he didn’t know _why_ he had to act like such an idiot around her, but he did. Remus thought that it was because he felt uncomfortable, so he fell back on old habits.

“Evans,” he drawled. “Fancy meeting you here.” He ran a hand through his hair; he _had_ to stop doing that. Apparently people thought that he was doing it on purpose to make him look like he had just gotten off his broom. That was pretty awesome, but not when it made Lily think that he was even more arrogant.

“Oh, shove it, Potter,” Lily huffed. 

Already Evans wanted him to go away. Typical.

“I might remind you that you initiated contact, Evans ,” James sighed.

“And what a mistake that was,” Lily grumbled.

“How was your summer?” James asked. Lily opened her mouth to answer.

Then, someone screamed outside. They turned towards the window of the store. People were running down the street, away from something.

James and Lily ran out of the Apothecary, wands at the ready. They saw a swarm of hooded figures marching down the street; they were Death Eaters.

“Evans, you need to go,” James said brusquely as he walked towards the incoming Death Eaters. Honestly, he wasn’t sure what he was doing. People had always called him stupidly brave, and, as he realised his actions, he had to agree with him. These were highly trained Dark Wizards, more than likely. He wasn’t even graduated from Hogwarts. 

Yet he couldn’t run away. Not when people were in danger, and his friends were down the street, near the Death Eaters. 

Lily continued to follow him. “No way in hell, Potter.” 

“Lily, you’re Muggle-born. They’ll be going after you more than anyone,” James said.

“Exactly, that’s why I can’t leave. It’s my fight more than yours,” Lily said, her mouth pressed into a grim line. “Suddenly we’re on a first name basis, _James?_ ”

“Why, _yes,_ Lily, we are,” James replied sardonically. “I make it a point to be on a first name basis with anyone who might die with me.”

Lily gulped. As they reached the Death Eaters, she said, “My summer was all right James. It was a bit boring, but it was good.”

James laughed, realizing that she was answering his question from before. “That’s good,” he said. He began deflecting incoming curses being thrown at them. “Before you ask, mine was good too. I spent it at my family beach house with Remus, Sirius, and Peter.”

Had James been looking, he would have seen the strange look Lily shot him for a split second. 

She recovered quickly though, “So, want to kick some Death Eater ass, James?”

James chuckled, “I thought you’d never ask.”

**xXx**

It was at that moment that Peter felt a sharp pull on his tail, as he was dragged off the surface of the wooden crate.

“Well, well, well,” a smooth voice said, “what have we here?”

Peter squirmed trying to get out of his captor’s grasp. He was pulled up to eyelevel; Nott held his tail. Nott was a Slytherin in his year, and was from a very dark family. He wore long, black Death Eater’s robes, the mask pushed up to reveal his face. He lifted his wand, and blue-white light came forth from the tip. The man dropped Peter. He transformed as he fell. In less than a moment, Peter found himself crouched on the ground in front of him. 

Peter made to get up, before a boot planted itself in his side. He squeaked in pain. Then, he heard a cold, imperious voice say, “Stay down. It’s where blood traitor scum like you belongs, after all, Pettigrew.” Peter recognized the voice; it was Lucius Malfoy, who had graduated a few years previous. He heard the man spit on him, and felt it seep into his hair. 

It was dark in the alleyway, but Peter could hear the fighting getting farther and farther away. Everyone was so busy with the fight.

There would be no one to rescue him, not this time. It was at that moment Peter realized that his wand was on top of the crate nearby; he was completely defenceless.

Peter looked up at the two Death Eaters. “Please, let me go,” he begged. “Please, I’ll do anything.” There was nothing he could do, no way for him to escape. He had to bow to the men who held his fate in their hands. 

In the back of his mind, he realized that James, Sirius, or Remus would have fought. None of them would beg on their knees to save themselves. _But that hardly matters,_ a small voice said in his mind. _You, after all, are not them. You don’t have luck, talent, intelligence, or hard work on your side. You need to do whatever you can to survive. Perhaps, this way, you will live. They might not._

“Please,” he said, one last time.

Nott laughed, “Wow, you broke with almost no pressure at all. You truly are a little rat.” He paused for a moment, and kneeled. Grabbing Pettigrew’s right hand, he said, “I will let you go if you enter into an Unbreakable Vow with me.

Peter’s eyes widened, but he nodded quickly in acquiescence. He couldn’t speak; it felt like his throat had closed. Nott’s hand was cold and clammy on his skin. He felt like he was dangling from the cliff once more, about to fall into the churning waters below.

“I know the Dark Lord asked for spies, but I don’t know about this,” Malfoy said. “I mean, he’s so _weak._ ”

“All the easier to get him to bend to our will,” Nott said. “He’s small too, so he can sneak around places, the little rat.”

Peter shrank back and the duo laughed. “Okay,” Malfoy said. “I guess you have a point.”

“You know I do,” he said. “Now, bind us.”

Malfoy nodded, and placed his wand on their linked hands. Nott squeezed his hand around Peter’s, clamping onto it as sharply as a sprung rat trap. Peter flinched in pain.

“Will you give your complete allegiance to the Dark Lord, above all others, and serve him loyally and selflessly? 

“I will,” Peter croaked. The first beam of light sprouted out from the wand and wove around their joined hands.

“Will you spy for the Dark Lord, giving him complete information to assist him in achieving his goals?”

“I will,” Peter said. The second beam of light sprung forth.

“Will you keep your subterfuge a secret from everyone except those present, the Dark Lord, and anyone he deems worthy to know?”

“I will,” Peter said. The third beam of light sprung forth. Nott let go of Peter’s hand. Peter felt strange. On the one hand, he was appalled by the task that had been set for him. Yet, he felt strangely relieved. For the first time, he had a path that he must take; he was strangely settled and calm. It almost felt good.

The Death Eaters turned and walked away, setting off down the alleyway. Over his shoulder, Nott smirked and said, “The Dark Lord will call on you when he has need of your services.”

A sudden wave of dread washed over Peter. He shivered, alone in the alleyway, as screams echoed back at him from Diagon Alley.

**xXx**

Remus felt Sirius’ back against his as they were surrounded by Death Eaters. He felt a growing panic itching under his skin, something he hadn’t felt so strongly since he woke up in the Hospital Wing, and had looked into Peter’s scared eyes the morning after Snape found out that he was a monster.

Remus liked to think that he was good at Defence Against the Dark Arts; he had received the highest marks in his year. He knew that Sirius was pretty good as well, especially with his knowledge of the Dark Arts from his ex-family. However, Remus wasn’t too sure how they would get out of this one. Ten Death Eaters surrounded them; he wasn’t sure they could take on five each. They hadn’t even graduated Hogwarts yet! His mind whirred looking for an escape route; he couldn’t find one. Where the hell were the Aurors? An attack on Diagon Alley – they should be here by now!

It was at that moment that the curses started flying. Remus and Sirius covered each other, erecting shields and firing curses at their attackers. 

Out of the corner of his eye Remus saw a Death Eater with long blonde hair fire a hex. He didn’t know what it was, but he knew where it was heading. There was no shield up on that side; it would hit Sirius. His body leapt before his mind reached for a spell instinctively. Remus jumped in front of the curse, and was hit in the chest. 

He fell. Sirius caught him, cushioning him. Remus felt strangely numb. He knew that Sirius was screaming in his ear, but it sounded like it was so far away. He was so tired…

His eyes fell shut and everything went black as he lay in Sirius’ arms.

**xXx**

Lily and James stood in the front lobby of St. Mungo’s. It was crowded after the attack that afternoon. They had both insisted that they were fine, but the Aurors wanted everyone checked out. Peter stood in front of them, shaking slightly. James hadn’t been able to get him to talk; every time he tried to give him any sort of physical comfort, he was brushed off. He still hadn’t seen Sirius and Remus.

They took a step forward in line, when Lily said, “I guess you aren’t so bad, James.”

James snorted, “A glowing compliment, Lily.”

“Just trying to make conversation,” Lily replied, sighing. “I feel like I need to fill the silence somehow.”

“Hm,” James said. “I _would_ break the tension with a prank if I didn’t think that it might be in bad taste.”

Lily snorted, “James Potter, having the sense to think that something’s in bad taste? Call the Prophet, the impossible has happened.”

“I _have_ matured, Lily, believe it or not,” James snapped. “Everyone has to grow up sometime.” James hated how Lily got under his skin, how he _still_ loved her after all these years.

Lily said softly, “Yeah, I guess we do.” She smiled a little sadly, “I think we might all have to grow up faster, if the War gets more serious.”

James frowned, “Yeah.”

“Anyway,” Lily said, “I don’t want to talk about that right now. I think that we’ll have more than enough time to talk about it later.”

“Yeah,” James said, thinking of how talk of the attack was sure to circulate around school in a couple weeks. “I’m sure we will.”

They took another step forward, and an envelope fell out of James’ pocket. Lily knelt and picked it up before James could grab it. “From your pen pal?” she asked with a small smile.

“Yeah,” James said. “We’ve been writing all summer. I just got that letter today. She was supposed to be in Diagon Alley today. I hope she’s okay.”

“I’m sure she is,” Lily said.

“How’s your pen pal?” James asked Lily.

Lily smirked, “This guy who spent the summer with his three best friends, Padfoot, Moony, and Wormtail, and calls himself Prongs.” She grinned more broadly at James’ gaping mouth. Even Peter had turned to watch the proceedings. “Know the guy?”

“Flower?” he breathed. “I should have known it was you.”

“In the flesh,” Lily smiled. 

James quickly pulled himself together. “Lily, I know this is probably bad timing, but I want to ask you out on a date. I’ve always loved you from afar, but these letters made me fall in love with ‘Flower.’ The you I got to know. I know I’ve asked you a million times to go out with me, but I’ll ask you again. Can we go out sometime?”

“I’d love to date you, James,” Lily said. “Prongs isn’t so bad.” She kissed him on his dirt-smeared cheek. 

James grinned, his heart soaring. At least some things were looking up.

**xXx**

Remus opened his eyes, and saw a white ceiling. He moaned as his body woke up. His mouth was so dry, and everything _hurt._ Remus felt like he was an old man.

He looked to his left and saw Sirius by his bedside, asleep. He looked so _tired,_ a mess, in his wrinkled clothing and greasy hair. He looked like he hadn’t been taking care of himself. 

Remus frowned in concern, and reached for Sirius’ hand on his armrest before he could stop himself. He touched the back of his hand. 

Sirius had always been a light sleeper. He slowly blinked awake, his eyes fuzzy with sleep. When he saw Remus, he smiled softly. It took Remus’ breath away.

“ _Remus,”_ he breathed.

“Sirius,” Remus smiled. “Where am I?”

It was at that moment that Sirius came to life. He straightened in his chair and cleared his throat. “You’re in St. Mungo’s. You’ve been unconscious for almost a week. The Hogwarts Express leaves in a few days, Remus.”

“Wow,” Remus said. “I’ve lost a lot of time.” He studied Sirius’ face. It was carefully closed off now, a picture of uncaring that his parents taught him. “Are you all right?” Remus asked.

Sirius’ mask cracked. “Am I-?” he repeated incredulously. His voice hitched, before he continued, “Remus, _I’m fine. You’ve_ been unconscious for _six days._ ”

“It’s just that-,” Remus began, but was quickly cut off.

“ _Fine,”_ Sirius said. “You know what Remus, _I’m not okay._ I’m not okay because you’ve been in a coma for six days. I’m not okay because you leapt to protect me and it was all my fault.” Sirius grew more and more distraught with each word. He tangled his hands in his hair desperately and bent over, examining the flooring. “I’m not okay because I’m in love with a man who is so self-sacrificing and blind to the fact that so many people love him. _I’m not okay because I love him, and he doesn’t love me back.”_

 __Sirius’ voice rang in the room, and Remus’ heart stopped beating. He froze. _What?_ he thought.

Sirius seemed to realize what he just said, and went to rise. “I-I have to go,” Sirius said.

Remus unfroze. “Wait, Sirius-,” he said, as Sirius walked to the door. 

“Bye, Remus,” Sirius smiled. “If you could forget the whole ‘man I love’ bit, that would be great. I’ll see you later, okay?”

“Sirius,” Remus said, as Sirius touched the door handle. Sirius opened the door, and began to walk through it. Remus had to stop him; he swung his legs over the side of the bed, and tried to stand. 

However, after six days in bed, his legs were too weak to hold him. The collapsed under him, and he fell in a heap. Remus felt so undignified; he had tried to go after Sirius like some sort of romance hero, but instead he had fallen again. _I’m so pathetic,_ Remus thought.

A hand touched his arm and Remus looked up into grey eyes. It was Sirius. He was kneeling next to him. “Are you all right?” he said, brow furrowed. It seemed that, despite his embarrassment, Sirius couldn’t leave him behind.

Remus smiled. He was so _happy._ In his desperation to get Sirius to come back, he had forgotten what had made him try to leave in the first place. _I’m such a fool,_ Remus thought. _We’re both such fools. I should have listened to James; there_ is _a first time for everything after all._

 __Sirius grew even more concerned, as Remus began to laugh gleefully.

“ _Remus,_ ” he said. “Shit, falling must have addled his brain.”

Remus realized that Sirius had some catching up to do. “Sirius,” Remus said, sobering. “We need to talk.”

Sirius paled, and helped Remus back onto the bed. He retook his place next to Remus’ bedside and said, “Listen, I’m so so-.”

Remus raised a hand to silence him. It worked. Sirius’ mouth clamped shut instantly. Remus often thought that he might make a good teacher with such a gift. He wouldn’t have enough experience to teach at Hogwarts right away; he could teach in Muggle schools though for a time.

Noting Sirius’ silence, he said, “First, don’t just walk away when a hospital patient is calling after you.” 

Remus expected a remark about how his trying to go after Sirius was just a sign of how stubborn he was. However, Sirius said nothing. His head was bowed.

Things were worse than Remus had thought. He needed to cut to the chase.

“Second, asking how you were feeling was a stupid question,” Remus began. “I’m sorry. But, I’m afraid I _was_ worried. The last time I saw you we were surrounded by Death Eaters. I wanted to make sure that you were not cursed with something that was killing you painfully and slowly.” He paused, “Although, I suppose that if you _had_ been cursed with something like that, you would probably be in your own hospital bed, and I would be petitioning James or Peter to wheel me over to _you._ But, Sirius, you need to understand that I reserve the right to be a self-sacrificing idiot. It’s my life to throw around, and if I want to die to save you, well, that’s _my choice._ ”

Sirius didn’t look up, but Remus saw his hand clench on his thigh. 

Remus sighed and leaned back against his pillows. “I don’t think this war will be ending any time soon, and I think it’s only going to get worse.”

“Remus,” Sirius murmured. 

“I can read the writing on the wall, Sirius, and I know you can too,” Remus continued. “We’re graduating from Hogwarts in May and I think that we’ll probably have to forget about some of our post-grad plans for a little while.” He cleared his throat, “I have no idea what Peter’s going to do. I know that James is going into the Auror force, and that you might just follow him, especially if you think that there really _is_ a war going. They’ll probably put all new recruits on an accelerated track, so you’ll probably be full-fledged Aurors in one or two years instead of the standard four.” Remus paused, “I know that path isn’t open to me, but I also know that I can’t, in good faith, run off into a teaching program with things like this. I may not be able to join the Auror’s because of my lycanthropy, but I can train to be a nurse if things get to that. Dumbledore,” Remus paused again, knowing that Sirius wouldn’t like what he was about to say. “Dumbledore has approached me about spying for him within werewolf packs when I graduate.”

Sirius looked up at him, and was about to say something, when Remus said, “I know you don’t like it; I don’t either.” Remus subconsciously touched the bite scar on his side. “But, Sirius, I’m pretty sure it’s the way I can be most helpful. I can’t do nothing or be useless, Sirius, I just can’t.”

Remus sighed, “I hadn’t meant to talk about all that right now, not when I just found out something even more important.”

“Remus,” Sirius began.

“I love you,” Remus spoke over him. “I have for what seems like forever. I’m absolutely pathetic, to be honest. I never said anything because I thought you didn’t love me back. I do though, and I-.”

Sirius stared at him, eyes wide and mouth slightly parted. Remus looked at him, and said, “Fuck, I-. This is coming out all wrong…I…” Remus frowned determinedly, coming to a decision. 

He leaned in and planted a kiss on Sirius’ lips. They were warm, and soft, and… completely unresponsive.

Remus sat back, and frowned. Sirius’ face was completely red. Remus knew enough to know that Sirius’ behaviour was strange. He had seen Sirius with his exes; he was always so comfortable with them. Maybe he had misunderstood?

“Sirius?” Remus said. “Did I misunderstand?”

He got no answer. 

What Remus didn’t know was that Sirius’ brain was a hazy fuzz at the moment. He wasn’t quite sure that he wasn’t dreaming. Sirius was so afraid that if he moved that he would somehow destroy what had just happened.

Remus sighed, “I’m sorry…I-I must have misunderstood…” He looked away from Sirius.

 _What?_ Sirius thought. _He sure as hell didn’t…_ It was at that moment that he realized that he still hadn’t moved. _Shit, I-I need to do something._

 __“Remus,” he breathed. _Well, progress is progress,_ he thought to himself. “I - shit, I’m just going to-.” 

He cut himself off by moving onto Remus’ bed and kissing him. 

It lasted for seconds but felt like hours. Sirius wanted to stay there forever; he knew that the rest of his life might just be dedicated to staying by Remus’ side. He would never leave him by choice…he would only be left behind, and Remus would have a hell of a time throwing him off his scent.

They broke the kiss, and smiled at each other, resting their foreheads against one another. “Me too,” Sirius breathed. “Definitely, me too.”

Remus let out an unmanly giggle. “Good,” he said. Remus kissed him again.

They stayed there, exchanging kisses for several minutes until James came in, shouting that he had waited long enough outside for them to stop, and that the nurse had to come in to check Remus over.

The world was bright in that little hospital room, a little prick of light in the sea of darkness that was coming their way. 

Remus would always be haunted by how happy he was that night. Sirius would lose the memory to the Dementors in Azkaban; Remus would have to show him in the Pensieve years later.

It didn’t really matter what had happened to that memory. What mattered was that it happened. Despite what was to come.


End file.
